Monday, September 18, 2006

The Volcano Experiment

You know about the volcano experiment that all 4th graders do (when you're about nine years old). Baking soda and vinegar. We did it in class. The thing explodes.

File that bit of info in the recesses of the mind somewhere.

The next bit to file: My teacher in 5th grade (that's a year later) telling the class that she sips baking soda water whenever she has an upset tummy. You just mix a little baking soda in a glass of water, and down the hatch it goes -- instant relief.

Bit filed somewhere else in the recesses of my mind.

Several years go by. I used to like to sip vinegar. (I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole now, but that's beside the point.) I got an upset stomach. I remembered the 5th grade teacher's handy recommendation to drink some baking soda water. I mix up some baking soda water and drink it down.

BOOM!!! A ball of volcanic gas about the size of a grapefruit happened inside my stomach (I'm surprised it didn't rupture), which then immediately blew out as a gigantic burp.


It was at this point that I remembered the volcano experiment....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Excerpts From the Fly Letters

Warning: Not for the faint of heart!

I had some problems with flies last week....

Sept. 2nd

I just killed a fly. One down, one to go. There have been 2 flies flying around the office and bugging the crap out of me. I have no idea where they came from. I’ve been taking the garbage out promptly and the place is clean, so I can’t figure that they were hatched inside. I keep the front door closed. I have no idea! Unless maybe they flew in yesterday when I was lugging the laundry out or in or something.

(A little while later....)

That damned fly keeps landing on the T.V. screen. I don’t want to smash him on the T.V. screen and get bug juice all over the screen!!! YUCK!!! I wish he’d land somewhere convenient so I can demonstrate once again that I am not a Buddhist.

Sept. 3rd

Boy, do I have some fly stories for you. I told you in last night’s letter about a couple of flies that were giving me a hard time in the office. Well, things got worse after I finished the letter.

First of all, I got fly # 2 in the bathroom. He followed me from the office into the bathroom. I got the son-of-a-b* with a rolled up magazine while I was pooping.

The war was on.

The next fly landed on the bedroom TV screen. I told you last night I didn’t want to swat any flies on any TV screens because I didn’t want bug juice on the screens. Well, I couldn’t take these damned flies any more. So I swatted the fly on the screen. And, dear, it smeared YELLOW GUNK on the screen. It was TOTALLY DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!! BLAH!!!!! I had to clean the screen with glass cleaner. It was so gross.

Now the flies were out to get me. You think I’m kidding.

I was reading in bed. This one fly kept dive-bombing me and landing on my face. It was really grossing me out. Every time I’d get up and get a magazine (to roll up into a fly swatter), he would hide. I mean this. I even got him locked into the bathroom with me and he hid so well, I couldn’t find him. But every time I would lay down and start reading again, he would start buzzing my head like a barn stormer. I even sat there, duplicating the conditions (all lights off except for the reading light), but no fly. I’d start reading again, and he’d start buzzing me. I even laid there pretending to be reading but with a magazine in hand, instead ... no fly. I’d resume reading; there he was again. Finally, I held my book in one hand, and the magazine in the other. He came. I swatted. He hid IN THE CARPET. The f****r was hiding in the carpet. It was dark in the room. But I KNEW here was exactly there (ESP!). And I swatted his sorry ass and flushed him down the toilet.

What could come next, you might ask? The next fly landed on the pillowcase next to me. Like I really want bug juice on my pillowcase. I swatted his sorry ass and changed the pillowcase.

I thought I had won the war.

This afternoon, I was in the office. I had a nice, fresh, full glass of water (the big 32-ounce size). And a fly came, and buzzed me. I tried to swat him. He got away. He came back. He looked at me, and proceeded to fly into my cup and STARTED DRINKING MY WATER. And looking at me while he was doing it. He was looking at me. I swear. Son of a b*. I tried to catch him, but he got away. I threw out the water and got new water. Of course, now I’m wondering if I can leave my water unattended ever, at all, without knowing if the damned fly’s been in there. BARFFFFFFFFFFAROONIE. I think he did it on purpose, just to creep me out. He was looking at me.

I can’t figure out where these flies are coming from! I remember airing out the place for a few minutes last week after I’d cooked with a lot of garlic, and I remember seeing a huge fly that had gotten in. Maybe it was huge because it was pregnant!!! And maybe it laid some nasty little maggots in some corner somewhere behind the folding chairs or something? I can’t figure it out. There is never, ever any food laying around. I wash the dishes promptly, I take the garbage out regularly, I keep the counters washed, etc. The only other possibility is that they are getting in from inside a wall somewhere. ???

(A little while later....)

I’m going to buy a fly swatter.

Maybe I should go to the pet store and buy about 50 lizards! They eat flies, don’t they? Or is that frogs? I need frogs. Fifty frogs. I can see them now, hopping around the apartment. That reminds me ... once I went out to this park by a lake, and all these frogs had just turned into frogs. There were MILLIONS of them (no exaggeration). They were hopping everywhere, like a carpet on the forest floor. You literally could not walk without stepping on them. It was pretty groady.

When I was a kid, we (kids) used to go into the big man-made concrete creeks in the neighborhood. We’d bring empty coffee cans. We’d collect frogs there and fill up the cans. Maybe they were toads. They were little dudes. Of course, the frogs in the bottom of the can would get squashed and be dead. And the creeks were all slimy with algae and slimy stuff, and invariably we would slip and fall and get slime all over us (and the stink, too). One time we came back and dumped about 3 large coffee cans of baby frogs in the back yard. They were everywhere. Dad was really pissed. I never knew why, but looking back at it now, I think maybe because they would all end up dead and he’d be the guy who got to clean them all up. Our dog was a bit confused and trying to follow them all, but there were a lot of them (maybe 100 or 200). She was standing there, head going this way and that, tail wagging, barking.

One time, I got some chalk and wrote a super bad word on the fence in our yard: “B.M.” (That was the worst word we knew.) (Bowel Movement.) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! We thought it was So Bad!!! :O

I’m going to buy a fly swatter.

One time, when I lived in this little duplex a super long time ago, the kitchen was carpeted with that flat fake green indoor-outdoor carpet stuff. (Don’t ask me why the landlord did that!) A fly laid its boogers in the garbage, and the maggots came out and were all over the carpet. I came out in the morning to go to the bathroom (which was on the other side of the kitchen) to get ready for work, etc., and there were like 100 maggots on the floor. But they were on this carpet stuff, so I couldn’t just wipe them up — I had to pick each of them up, one at a time, with a paper towel. It was TOTALLY DISGUSTING.

Another time (same place), I was standing on the toilet in the bathroom, cleaning the shelving (sponging them down). They were open shelves (no doors). A fly flew up, landed on the shelf blatantly right in front of me, and laid a bunch of tiny little squirming maggots!!! In front of me, like a big “F You”!!! I killed them. I always thought flies laid eggs which then hatched into maggots, but this one was laying maggots. They were wiggling. Tiny little wiggling disgusting maggots.

I hate flies. I’m getting a fly swatter.

One time in Morocco, I was standing outside.  There was a donkey cart on the street. I was watching the donkey. You know those huge horse flies? They have them in Morocco. I don’t know if they have them where you're from. They are huge (almost an inch long, I swear), and they are fearless. They would land on my lips and try to get into my mouth!!! Blowing did not dislodge them! You had to wipe them off with your hand!!! And then they would be on your hand!!! Well, there were horse flies on this donkey’s stomach. I probably told you this story already. He let his weenie come snaking out, and he started swinging it. It swung to and fro, more and more until finally it was swinging far enough that it was swatting the flies on this stomach. Seriously!!! He was swatting flies on his stomach with his weenie.

This is like a major fly reminisce event!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that I’m getting a fly swatter????

It’s now after midnight. It took a while to write up the fly incidents. Think I’ll go to bed. I hope to hell that I don't dream about flies tonight! Wouldn’t that just suck? :P :O

Sept. 4th

Okay. Here is, I think (I HOPE), the last fly story!

Last night, after I finished writing to you, turned off my monitor and walked towards the bedroom, I saw A Fly, sitting on the carpet in the doorway to the bedroom, STANDING GUARD, WAITING FOR ME. I swear. I went into the bedroom. He started dive-bombing me. I went into the bathroom and so did he. I was fast, and I closed the bathroom door. He went nuts. He was zooming around the bathroom at about a million miles an hour, whacking into the walls, the ceiling, the mirror, anything. I’m amazed he didn’t get a headache. I had a rolled-up magazine (starting to run out of them, by now!), and I was whacking after him and was worried I’d wake the neighbors (I was whacking those walls pretty hard, and it was about 1:00 in the morning!). It took about 10 or 15 minutes to get that son of a b*!!! But I GOT HIM. SPLAT. In the trash, with the magazine. Bummer, because I hadn’t gotten to read that one yet. Wiped the fly guts off the wall. Done deal. I haven’t seen a fly since then.

I did, however, find a spider in one of my little plastic drawers on my desk, a little while ago. I smashed him with some Kleenex and then I had to wash the drawer, because it had spider guts splurked inside.

I really think I need to figure out a way to live alongside bugs and bug guts, because this is getting out of hand. I may have to post these stories on my blog, just to make it all worthwhile!!! :O

Sept. 5th

No more flies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nov. 5th

I got to use my new fly swatter.

It works.